It’s been a few weeks full of music. My tarot clients don’t all know that I used to run an alternative music magazine here in St. Louis called Night Times back in the 1990s. Music has always been my pulse and one of the most important things to me. Music is truly an expression of the spirit.
Two weekends ago, I attended the Wilco show, with the Local H/Soul Asylum/Urge show the next night, and decided I still hadn’t had enough of Local H so we drove the four hours to see a one hour show in Kansas City, and then went four hours back home (worth it!).

This past Thursday, I was invited to preview the Missouri History Museum’s grand opening of the St. Louis Sound exhibit. I was excited. Andrew Wanko, the public historian, had come to my home about a year and a half earlier, and I had personally given him every copy of Night Times from 1995-1998 (when we were in print; it carried online after that for about five or six years). We had a good conversation about the scene as I knew it then: the vital nightclubs, the most important bands. Andrew is very young and was not alive to know the scene at all, and it was pretty obvious he was going to have to lean on us elders to point the way. I even sent him a copy of my unpublished memoir, Night Times, which, with newborn twins on the way and a toddler at home, I am very sure he did not read a word of. Ha ha.
So… the exhibit. We gathered in the auditorium, masked and socially distanced, for the opening remarks. Andrew quoted some Bob Reuter lyrics about St. Louis being “the truest.” No one seemed to know the song Andrew referenced, but that’s cool… Reuter isn’t exactly a household word beyond the crew at KDHX where he was a DJ. I knew Bob casually and he was always friendly to me when I would see him around the City Museum, where I did PR for their circus, or at Duff’s when he occasionally dropped in for a poetry reading. I was horrified to learn of his death falling down an elevator shaft in 2013. I knew that Bob Reuter’s name was on the bill for St. Louis Sound, ranking him as big as Scott Joplin, Josephine Baker, and Nelly. That seemed pretty absurd. Reuter’s music was not really known beyond the KDHX staff and the small clubs he played with his band, Alley Ghost. Yes, he rocked it. But come on… he was not a musical gamechanger. He was a scenester and a multi-talented person, yes. He was not someone who made St. Louis music history, and I think if he were alive right now, he would probably agree.
I was pretty pleased with the Mississippi Nights exhibit, which had contributions from my good friends, Garrett Enloe (who is soon publishing a book on Mississippi Nights) and Andy Mayberry (former general manager), as well as owner Rich Frame. It was cool to see the old sign again, the banner, the original bar, Andy’s 1980s satin jacket, and the poster with so many touring bands that included my husband Tom’s band, Radio Iodine. We got a picture:

I mulled around the exhibit, checking out the cool old artifacts, such as Josephine Baker’s dress (so tiny!), Johnnie Johnson’s piano, and more. I enjoyed the interactive exhibits and especially the map of where all the music landmarks were. I was kind of shocked to see this huge standing wall devoted to a punk rock group of girls called The Welders that no one had ever heard of (they had one record). It was curious the kind of space and attention these very small acts were getting here, and I had yet to see anything on the 1990s, which was St. Louis’ second musical heyday after the sixties, with swarms of local acts getting signed to major labels. But I would keep looking…
I’m not going to kid you, I was also excited to see Night Times in there somewhere, even if it was just one cover, and so when I came to a wall called “Fanzines,” my heart collapsed a little bit into itself. There was only one fanzine on the display, JetLag, by KDHX’rs Steve Pick and John the Mailman.
Now, let me tell you, I have nothing against KDHX. I have been a regular financial contributor, I have guested on some of their shows and used to co-host with John the Mailman once a month on the JetLag Radio Hour, late Saturday nights at KDHX’s first location, an old converted bakery on Magnolia Street. I was even asked to interview in 1995 or so to be their station manager. But the thing I do know is that some (not all) of the gang at KDHX are a little too cool for school, and anything that is regarded as popular with the masses is not going to fly there. They like only the fringe and underground stuff. I like that stuff too, but I think there is room for everything.
Back in the 90s, Steve Pick and others had put me and Night Times down. We never had any words face to face. In fact, I don’t think I have actually even met him in person, but he let it be known online and elsewhere that we were too pop and mainstream for their indie-supremacist natures. Surely, I thought, there would be no more rivalry after nearly three decades. But there I was on Thursday in 2021, confronting the facts, this was a KDHX exhibit, with KDHX artists and personalities, and Steve Pick clearly had aligned it with his recently-published book of St. Louis’ music history, presented with a slant (which is fine for a book, but not for a museum), exaggerating the importance of some and annihilating the importance of others. I looked on Pick’s Facebook page and he admitted that yes, he had “a hand in a few exhibits,” and claimed his fanzine spoke for all the fanzines. Well, I sure as hell don’t think he’d think Night Times could substitute a switch for JetLag, or Noisy Paper, or Motion Sickness, or Spotlight, or PlaybackSTL, or Yellow Pills, or Silver Tray, or the Riverfront Times music section (which was the local music Bible), for that matter. The zine scene in St. Louis was as unique as its creators, and an important part of St. Louis modern music. JetLag, in true indie fashion, was made on a copier and had a reach of all of Pick’s best friends and favorite customers at Vintage Vinyl. Speaking for myself, Bob Baker at Spotlight, and Laura Hamlett of PlaybackSTL, we put out monthly professionally printed and distributed publications for years that cost us plenty of our own money in tight advertising months. Hamlett even second-mortgaged her home. Night Times had a reach of 20,000 a month, and Spotlight and PlaybackSTL had at least that many. We had big teams of writers, photographers, and designers. We had advertisers and subscribers. Yet, JetLag supposedly represents us. Sure it does… I gotta say, I’m pretty disgusted.
But it’s not about me, and it could be argued that this exhibit is not about music publications. I get that. Here’s where I get even more disgusted: The acts that we most remember from the 1990s… the acts whose audiences are alive to remember them… those bands got shafted big time in this exhibit. The Missouri History Museum would have thousands more attendees to this exhibit if they’d paid attention to the 1990s. We had SO MANY national recording acts that far surpassed the popularity of Reuter or the Welders! Where were The Eyes/Pale Divine? KINGOFTHEHILL? The Urge? Gravity Kills? Stir? Devon Allman? Sheryl Crow? Radio Iodine? Michael McDonald? Bob Kuban? Head East? Mama’s Pride? Pete and Jim Mayer? Anacrusis? Pavlov’s Dog?*
The History Museum missed so many opportunities in St. Louis Sound. Like on the display for the Guns ‘N Roses riot, where they could have mentioned that our great local axeman, Richard Fortus, went on to join them (he also played guitar for the Psychedelic Furs, Love Spit Love, Thin Lizzy, Nine Inch Nails, and so many others). They left out the punk and metal scene entirely, except for covering Ultraman (again, friends of KDHX). They never mentioned Kristeen Young, who continues to tour internationally with the biggest acts, or acts we remember fondly such as Robynn Ragland, and Jessica Butler and the Skalars.
We have smaller, fun musical contributions, too. Like Ellen Foley, who you’ll remember as the female powerhouse in Meatloaf’s 1977 hit, “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.” A number of the bands I mentioned above got on MTV. They could have talked about the wild popularity of Pink Floyd tribute band, El Monstero, which sells out the largest amphitheaters. Then there were acts such as Big Fun, Fragile Porcelain Mice, Sinister Dane and The Sheiks who sold out Mississippi Nights regularly for years.
NONE of these huge artists were even mentioned. I left the exhibit sad and feeling slighted, but knowing that Night Times was not the only casualty here, not by a long shot. This was not a space problem: they could have easily used that giant wall for The Welders to cover the entire 90s with some posters, cassettes and CDs of the bands I’ve mentioned above. They could have put Night Times, Noisy Paper, Motion Sickness and Playback up next to JetLag in the same space. Reuter could have shared his space with some of the names I’ve mentioned above. They could have tucked The Welders in somewhere more space-appropriate with a quick mention. I don’t blame Andrew Wanko for not knowing, but I do wish he had checked some other sources beyond Steve Pick to give, to quote Bob Reuter in Andrew’s opening statement, “the truest” depiction of St. Louis music. It ain’t by a long shot.
*Some of these bands, like Radio Iodine, were listed with national and international acts on the Mississippi Nights poster but did not have any exhibits to say who they were or that they came from St. Louis.
ANACRUCIS, ANDREW WANKO, BIG FUN, BOB KUBAN, BOB REUTER, DEVON ALLMAN, EL MONSTERO, ELLEN FOLEY, FANZINES, FRAGILE PORCELAIN MICE, GRAVITY KILLS, GUNS N ROSES, HEAD EAST, JESSICA BUTLER AND THE SKALARS, JETLAG, JIM MAYER, JOHN THE MAILMAN, KDHX, KING OF THE HILL, KINGOFTHEHILL, KRISTEEN YOUNG, MAMA'S PRIDE, MICHAEL MCDONALD, MISSOURI HISTORY MUSEUM, MO HISTORY MUSEUM, MOTION SICKNESS, MUSIC EXHIBIT, MUSIC PUBLICATIONS, NIGHT TIMES MAGAZINE, NOISY PAPER, PALE DIVINE, PAVLOV'S DOG, PETE MAYER, PLAYBACKSTL, RADIO IODINE, RICHARD FORTUS, RIVERFRONT TIMES, ROBYNN RAGLAND, SHERYL CROW, SINISTER DANE, SPOTLIGHT MAGAZINE, ST. LOUIS MUSIC, ST. LOUIS SOUND, STEVE PICK, STIR, THE EYES, THE SHEIKS, THE URGE, THE WELDERS, ZINES

I’ve seen it a million times. Clients who show up in their tarot cards as struggling with infidelity issues (their own or that of their partner). There can be a lot of shame around this subject. Some are trying for honesty with their partners by declaring themselves polyamorous or in an open relationship. In these recent readings, I became clear about the real meaning behind some people’s tendency to stray. And it’s probably not what you think.
Psychologists might say this is an unmet need for attention from the opposite sex or unmet sexual needs. Sometimes, that is correct, but it seems to me to be a lot more profound than this.
A Course In Miracles, and many other spiritual texts, explain that our whole purpose for being in these human bodies is for spiritual work around Relationship. We are here to solve the problems around all kinds of love: family, friendship, and everyone’s favorite, the lover. Most of us on a spiritual path will know that we are one with the God-Source, and that separation is the human condition and illusion. We spend so much of our lives feeling alone, separate and incomplete, seeking THE ONE to be the other half. We are always trying to get back to God, in essence, but we usually try to do this through a sexual partner. The sex act itself is that two-become-one idea tangibly expressed, if only temporarily.
My clients and others wrestling with infidelity issues and/or finding balance in an open relationship are, at base, just wanting to know love. We want REAL love. True love. Holy, sacred, fulfilling, uniting love. And here’s the thing: at the same time, we know that to go there is to enter into a relationship that deeply scares the shit out of us. First off, true love takes absolute vulnerability and honesty. It takes bravery, and it takes work. It also takes the belief that you are lovable– which is too much for many right off the bat. It takes dropping away from the egoic “I” to become a “We.”
The person who strays is afraid of going that deep because they are afraid of being hurt. They don’t trust love because they haven’t known it to work for them too well in the past, and maybe never had very many good examples of what successful love looks like. So, they allow the distraction of another to take the attention off of the terrifying reality that true love might be in the palm of one’s hand and demand your full attention or even heart- and back-breaking work. I think of how someone once explained his ADHD to me, saying, “It’s a very serious condition but…Oh, look, a butterfly…” Distractions and addictions are such a great way to not have to think about your problems.
I don’t think anyone commits or marries a person with conscious designs to cheat. It may undoubtedly be a failing and weakness in character if done in dishonesty. But the person who strays is not evil, not usually, anyway. Instead, this is someone who is in love with love but also scared of the demands of the real deal: how it might change them, what might have to be sacrificed, and other ego-based ideas that have nothing to do with real love.
I like to point to the Bible’s definition of love in I Corinthians, Chapter 13. It is not about passion or drama. To a lot of people, this summary might even seem a bit boring:
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I think that “fully known” bit is a big deal. Not all of us are ready to be fully known. We keep our secret corners. We keep some self for ourselves, but we must understand that this gets in the way of complete love. It takes work always to be conscious as life changes by the minute, and what was complete yesterday might be incomplete today.
I am not here to debate if it is possible to be in true love with more than one person. I think there are different kinds of love, to be sure. But the commitment to one person for romantic love is collaborative work and a potentially massive opportunity for both people to grow.
My husband Tom and I have been married for 22 years at the time of this writing. Recently, he said to me, “We are better together than apart.” I know this to be true, and I know that he fits every definition of love in I Corinthians. Every day of our marriage is a work in progress, a collaboration, and sometimes, yes, even effort. But the result is great and I am better with him.
I hope that in whatever way you practice love, you will go to the vulnerable, deepest spaces in your own heart. I pray you will be faithful in loving yourself, so that you can be faithful to others in all the expressions of love you seek.
I love the heck out of you all.
A COURSE IN MIRACLES, BIBLE, FAITHFULNESS, GUILT, I CORINTHIANS 13, INFIDELITY, LOVE, OPEN RELATIONSHIPS, POLYAMOROUS, RELATIONSHIPS, ROMANCE, ROMANTIC LOVE, SHAME, SPIRITUALITY